I'm the most trustworthy person you know. We don't actually know each other (well, unless we actually know each other), but believe me, you can tell me anything, and no one will ever hear it from me... because after a while, I'll forget! You have no idea how many secrets I've kept, because I couldn't remember them to spread, even if I were so inclined. Regardless, I'm not inclined, but it's a fantastic safety measure to no longer remember what I promised never to tell. Your secret is safe with me, whatever it was. Yeah. Naturally, the secrets I'll never, ever forget are my own, and as many of you would guess, I have several. But just this once - until I forget that I said "once," and do this, again, sometime - I'll share a major one.
I hate to admit to being imperfect, but have an irrational fear of something that has never happened. It's nothing that bad, and I know a few of you will say "Oh, whatever. i'm irrationally afraid of something so much WORSE!" Really? You want to brag about how irrational you are? Ok, Captain Overcompetitive; go for it. Anyway, it's similar to a student's nightmare that s/he woke up late and missed taking a final exam, or forgot to wear pants to class. Even after I graduated, I had bad dreams that I forgot to turn in a paper and didn't actually graduate. I think it took six months of retail and happy hour therapies to forget that one. See, kids? This is why that diploma isn't just some piece of paper; it's a coping mechanism to remind yourself that you never have to endure that level of higher education, ever again. No wonder it's so expensive. On second thought, maybe I should have just laid on someone's chaise for four years and blamed my fears and failures in life on my upbringing, the media, and the current President... and Michael Jackson. Instead, I was a psychology major.
My current irrational fear of something that has never happened is that I will accidently walk into the womens' restroom, by mistake. How awful would that be? Sometimes, when I daydream at work - when someone on the phone is going on and on about something not work-related - I can imagine the scenario: there I am, not paying attention to the sign next to the bathroom door, and I walk right in like I know what I'm doing. Something doesn't look right, but whatever, I have to pee, you know? But then, a woman enters... and it's my mom, or [insert someone whom I'd never want to see in a restroom, ever; hey, maybe it's YOUR mom]. And she says
"Matthew, what are you DOING in here?!"
And I say
"I dunno, Mom, it's a restroom! How many options do I have?! And why is there a leather sofa in here?! And... paintings?! Y'all have artwork?! And who is THAT GUY in the tuxedo drying that woman's hands?! No wonder you all take so long. Is he powdering her nose, right now? I thought that was just a euphemism for having to use the restroom, because you're on a bad date! What, is there a minibar in the back, too?! What an awful day-mare this is! I'm exclaiming a lot, and starting my sentences with 'And'! And!"
Miraculously, I always snap out of it, just before things get ugly, and by "ugly" I mean discovering that there's a Hawaiian Tropic model serving margaritas in the first stall.
Honestly, I can see that happening. It's odd, I know. I'm not proud of it, and I have no idea what hex I'm under that I'm seriously afraid of this enough to double-check restroom signs, EVERY TIME, just to be sure I'm walking into the restroom for not-women. Everyone has weird quirks, you know (I've seen women in bars throwing up in the mens' restroom plenty of times; college kids!). Since I'm not afraid of dogs, cats, broken mirrors, heights, roller coasters, North Korea, or peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth, this is what I get.
You who laughed are awful, awful people.
Comments (115)
Thanks! ^_^
(To the "awful" part. I know, I practice).
*wipes tears from eyes* Lordy, I can't stop laughing.
i've walked into a women's restroom twice...at church.
You mean there's NOT a margarita bar in the men's room?
For someone that has never been in one, you sure do have them pegged, right down to the mini-bar! *LOL*
I use the men's bathroom on purpose sometimes. You know those ones that only have one toilet? What the heck is the point in having a sign on the door when I'm going to lock the door and no one will be able to come in anyway? So, if the other bathroom with one toilet is occupied, I'll use the one that isn't.
It just makes sense.
Ok, Captain Overcompetitive; go for it
LOL
Well, Would you rather walk in on your mom?
@Fairywife - i used to do the same thing at my job. they look exactly the same, except for the sign on the door.
and i laughed at you too.
I laughed.
LOL
I am terrified - terrified - of bees. And the other day a bee literally got stuck in my car WITH ME while I was DRIVING. Which was, before then, my worst nightmare.
I, too, had dreams of not actually graduating after I graduated college. And then after I quit the job from hell where I had a boss from hell, I dreamed I had to go back and that I was late, which happened for about a year.
I cant tell you how many times I have used a men's restroom, so dont fear it.....when you gotta go, that is just your only excuse!!!
I am an awful, awful person.
I have this fear of going out in public and leaving my pants unzipped and then having someone say "hey your fly is down". So for the past 10 years or so I always check at least 5 times before leaving the house. In fact I just checked. Sometimes I do forget to check and then I'm out and wondering if my zipper is up or not.
Time to pay someone to switch the signs.
I walked into a men's bathroom once, fortunately only to wash the pencil smudges off my hands. The cutie from the class I'd just been in walked in just as I was leaving and I was SO CONFUSED.
It wasn't that mortifying, though.
you, my friend, are a trip. a complete and utter trip.
I'm sorry, Matt. I DID laugh. I guess I am an awful, awful person. But, hey, at least I know which bathroom to use. *snicker snicker*
My biggest fear is bird poo in the eye. Think about it!! lol.
Psychology major, hm? Nice to know
There's no dang art in a women's room, just a bunch of toilet paper thrown around by sloppy chicks. I have no idea what they think they're doing with all that toilet paper.
forgive me for laughing. good thing you aren't afraid of dogs (unless they are going to eat you in your sleep)...oh & i've never heard anyone else say Captain [whatever].
@NoPenniesHere - well, McPants didn't work so well. Captain, it is. i say it.
I laughed indeed.
I think I scared all those prior commenters away with my new post. -grins-
Matt...I thought I had issues...now you have me wishing that women's bathrooms were just like that.
Curse you!!!!!
I had a dream that I went to work at a hospital and forgot my pants. So I know the feeling....I just don't day mare about men's bathrooms. Sorry
I'm awful people