Periodically, it's a swell idea to recalibrate your standards regarding romance. When was the last time you gave serious thought to revising your list of dealbreakers and preferences for those with whom you seek to engage in long-lasting romantic endeavors? I know these things. You really need to conduct a routine cost-benefit analysis to determine which traits, of the millions that exist, are most important to you. It's unlikely that someone is everything you want, but can you live with someone who prefers CSI: New York to Law & Order: SVU? What would your friends say if your next date routinely confused "your" and you're"? How might your Facebook friends (you know, the ones you met once, and then added the next day) react when they discover that your potential special someone prefers dark Ray-Bans over half-tinted vintage aviators. Oh, sure, say what you want with your cliche reciting of wanting someone who's "smart, funny attractive, employed, and honest;" you really need someone who "won't rub it in my face that I'm really bad at Mario Kart."
Stop playing yourselves. Nintendo is serious business.
This need to incorporate thoughtful analysis into my romantic ventures came to me, again, as I read a certain private message from a "Xangan" who, undoubtedly, messaged some of you, also. Rather than simply delete the message, and let well-enough alone, I thought this would be the perfect oppotunity to consider what I want in a (real) woman in stark contrast to the sort of not-real-women who actually message me. Yes, fake women dig TheBigShowAtUD. I do what I can, although, I'm not so flattered by this latest tragedy of communication from what must be a displaced MySpace bot. This is what you get, Xanga, for trying to be like other social networking sites.
"My name`s Melissa ;)!"
You know, that's a nice name. The winky-face is flirtatious and inviting. I'm encouraged to read, further. Even so, I see where this is headed.
"I really feel shy, but I have 2 tell you, that you are just the best man!... I was lucky to find your but now I am sure it is a destiny!!!))"
Really, how many keystrokes does it take to type "to"? TWO! Do it. More importantly, while I love flattery like a certain South Carolina governor likes Argentinian women, I know when someone is going overboard with the fawning. Fawn me all day long, but how about some sincerity, ftw? You almost had me at "Your the best man," but she dropped the ball with "but now I am sure it is a destiny." Besides the grammatical atrocity, that "destiny" talk is what scares men away when said too soon. And I am no kind of commitment-phobe, so it must be her, not me. Finally, I get to say that! And, Holy Parentheses, where'd you (not) learn to write?
"U`r the best... but I am sure that in ur real life u will impress me again and again ! ;)"
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
"So... I`d like 2 get closer 2 you, TheBigShowAtUD!"
So she can liquify my brains and steal the earth's secrets for when your race of cyborgs eradicates humanity? I THINK NOT. I have no desire to "get closer" to bots of any kind, because bots = machines = Terminator II and mechanized world domination. I'll let one of you not-as-smart-as-me humans explain to everyone that it was you who hooked up with the android that caused the destruction of mankind. There's no Nobel Prize for that. And stop calling me "TheBigShowAtUD." That's just a name to keep the Internet predators away. I, unlike her, am a real person with a real name and stuff. I'm not some trophy blogger; I contribute.
"This site censors and removes all my images... :("
Yeah, the Xanga Team doesn't let anyone have fun around here, unless you blog about Twilight, religion, presidential mishaps, or... the Xanga Team. Suck it up, Melissa-bot. It's a rough e-life for all of us.
"so the most interesting and hot pictures I hosted here http://menmatcher.com/account/851801215/. TheBigShowAtUD, I hope you`ll take a look at them and will send me smth 2 start our thrilling challenge )) now kiss u ))"
Mencatcher? More like menKILLER, or some website of last resort for people who really can't find someone to do whatever it is they're missing in life that absolutely can't be found on Craigslist; I'd like to toss a red flag, here. Among us lowly humans, red flags are bad news. But, in the case of people on judge tv shows, red flags are often mistaken for green lights, but what do they know? I'm sure her pictures are fantastic, but I'm not sure I'm into "thrilling" challenges with blog-bots. And definitely no kissing. I have no clue where that bot-mouth has been, and so far, I don't get cold sores. If I ever do, there had better be a really good story to explainhow it happened. This is more like the start of a scifi horror movie fit for antagonizement from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Now, had this come from a real person, I'd have been overcome by the allure of flattering words of affirmation, even if insincere. I'm not that smart, you know. But I know when bot-women have bad intentions. My mother didn't rear a (complete) fool. I know stuff.
TheBigShowAtUD©
Comments (98)
i have a friend who got this same bot not too long ago....
About recalibrating--I'm surprised at what becomes unimportant over time (and vice versa)
...but I'll never get over bad language skills, written or otherwise. Ugh.
That wasn't a bot. It was me!!!))) and your mean not responding too my well thought out feelings ...and your not nice to write about it to!
@ItsWhatEyeKnow - you're such a liar. don't start with me. you're much more charming than a Xanga bot.
Hahahahahaha, men really seem to have less-than-positive reactions to that bot's messages. Which is interesting, because it was surely written with snagging a male demographic in mind.
Not only does "Melissa" not take the time to type "to", apparently the word "something" is BEYOND her. "smth"? Hahahaha
@TheBigShowAtUD - But u did look at my pretty pictures, no? destiny i'm telling yu)))!
Oh come on, tell me you weren't just a little thrilled that Melissa-bot decided to stop by and link you to her REAL site. And u no that :)) make ur <3 skip a beat or for.
Hahaha. XD
Someone else on Xanga got this exact same message, I think. It was funny, lol. XDI wonder what your kids will look like.You don't think that she will impress you again and again? lol...I think I could handle someone who likes CSI: New York over Law & Order, (I would just make it painful for them to watch CSI: New York) but the your and you're would push me over the edge..I'm cringing just writing the your.
Leave it to you, to tell us women (or men) how to type. *psh*
This might possibly be the funniest thing I've read all day. Gotta love them bots, man. Russian mail order brides are a thing of the past!
Ur da Bomb.
well at least she (it? ha) got the "U'r the best" part right...
You stole my copyright symbol.. I want it back
I got that EXACT same message from Jennifer. The girl is a tramp!
And why did she link you to MenMATCHER? Is that where men get matched up with men?
oh you get lurkers, too?
I got a similar message from a girl named Ruth not too long ago. I'm starting to think that she is not the girl of my dreams. Oh well, guess it's back to loneliness for me.
ryc: I wonder what would happen if you responded to the message?
Oh boy... how could you resist such a wonderful proposal? Melissa seems like a lovely girl. Besides, Melissa Smith just sounds great! I can see it now... Matt and Melissa Smith. You could even give all your children "M" names. That would be awesome. It must be a destiny.
"i have no clue where that bot mouth has been"
that almost had me spitting wild cherry diet pepsi all over the place! and i'm very careful where i spit wild cherry pepsi.
That poor girl. She was just looking for love...and you stomped all over her heart publicly. So much for "destiny".
Dirty, dirty.
Anyway, it is a known fact that you should like 24 over any of these lame CSI/SVU shows. At least, that's what the winners are watching.
i wish a male bot would try to court me...*sigh*. yours sounds like it gets around; that skanky melissa.
@cd867 - NO, you did not just do that...
@Ipickedoutyourstar23 - a real skankbot, for sure. i thought everyone knew i wasn't into that. gotta let the Internets know!
"I'm not some trophy blogger; I contribute."
I snorted milk out of my nose. Thanks for the laugh, once again.
And come on... admit it: you clicked the link, didn't you? We're all friends here. Just as you would say... don't play me.