Chamomile tea makes me sleepy. It's when I'm in that altered state of consciousness where I know I'm not asleep yet, but am I fully awake, either; a lucid dream, as it were. This time, I realized that everything on television is a
show; not in the entertaining sitcom sense, but still a production and marginally informative. You were hoping I'd say I was semi-dreaming of scandalous things, but no, that's for when I'm
fully asleep. Don't expect a blog on any of that anytime soon.
Mostly, I only watch television shows that contain the letters "C," "S," and "I," or some crime show in New York City where people of all ages are kidnapped or killed, as some drunk couple instantly regains their senses when they stumble across a dead body among a group of overstuffed trash bags. Yeah, don't worry, I
do sleep, eventually, knowing that Benson & Stabler are on top of things. Seriously, though, my problem with television - beyond the not-reality of reality shows and over-the-top "talent" contests - is that the news is now
just like every other show.
I'm really not interested in news personalities
having personalities. I want action,
not acting. Let's hear what happened in some far-off place I'll never visit, rather than consider the finer points of the anchorperson's presentation skills or his or her outfit. Please, they're
paid to look good; I do it for free. You can bet
I wouldn't let my stellar personality distract you from the trouble going on in the world. No matter how good I'd look, people are dying, while the U.N. just sends volunteers all the time, and people win Nobel Peace Prizes, even when fighting persists. Talk about it. That's right; so what that Billy from our hometown High School High wins a National Merit Scholarship? Some
dude you saw on your public transportation commute robbed a liquor store for cash but left the cigars in the humidor. Classy. You want tragedy, pain, loss, and heartache, and I'd deliver it, stoically,
and quickly:
"
Yeah, so... things went down, today. Michael Jackson died... not today, but recently. Same thing. Another celebrity died, too, adding to the unreasonably-high famous-people death toll, this summer."
"
This just in: Michael Jackson is dead, and tabloids are now filing for bankruptcy for lack of material, and appealing to Congress for a bailout."
"
The President is, once again, being criticized for the same stuff people disliked about him, yesterday. Unfortunately, he still doesn't have to spend a dime of his own money for four years. Can you believe that? Oh, AND he's still President. How does he do it? He's a Michael Jackson fan, obviously."
"
Even so, Michael Jackson is no longer among the living."
"
In international news, North Korea still wants a piece of every country larger than they, and no one has yet told them to 'Bring it.' Michael Jackson would have brought it."
"
In Iran, Ahmadinejad claims he's president after winning what MAY HAVE BEEN a rigged election. I don't really know, but I DO KNOW that Michael Jackson wouldn't have done that; lately, though, he's dead, but in a fair election, a dead Jackson would still get more votes than a cheating Ahmadinejad."
"
In sports, the U.S. national team won a soccer game by actually defeating another team; a feat overshadowed only by the death of Michael Jackson, namely because he always gave better international performances than the national team. You heard it here, first."
"
For tomorrow, the weather will be hot, rainy, overcast, or unseasonably cold depending on where you live, what your local weather patterns are, and Michael Jackson... somehow. See Weather.com for more, because you certainly can't blame Michael Jackson, now that he's very much not alive (or IS he?). Always bring an umbrella, just in case, because Michael Jackson's Thriller, since it's release in 1982, has made it rain as the number one best-selling album, ever."
"
Tomorrow, more of the same news, including murder, school scandals, police faux pas, more that the President did wrong, from the creators of 'Rec This, or I'll Cry About It,' a special feature on the new reality show 'Who, in the Name of Metablogging, Blocked My IP Address?!'... AND the death of Michael Jackson, in case you were watching another news station when I discussed it, earlier."
Keep it classy, Xanga.
TheBigShowAtUD©
Comments (160)
You rock. You just totally rock. How did I ever live in Xanga before I found your blog.
~V
As funny as you were trying to be, I swear I was watching CNN a few days ago and they sounded just like that. lol
I should so make you a heaping bowl of hoppin' john, a double serving of cornbread, and an entire sweet potato pie for writing this. You, sir, are the man.
The news stopped being the news a long time ago...I hate it when they make the weather the main story of the night. It's summer-we're going to have thunderstorms! In the winter we're going to have snow..stop scaring people already.
that's pretty much the news there. The only actual non-entertainment left on TV is Cspan.
Hey, ever heard of/read Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman? Because it basically says that it's impossible for anything through the TV to be anything but entertainment, simply because of the medium. TV is always primarily entertainment.
You should check it out sometime. The book, I mean.
~V
If the news were actually more like this and 45 seconds long, I'd actually start watching/paying attention to it again.
I pretty much love CSI. It's definitely one of the few shows worth watching on television. But NOT CSI: Miami... Horatio is too much to handle. lol
It deserved to be recommended
You never cease to astound me, boo. If you were a news anchor, I would definitely start watching the news. Just another "show"? No, the best damn "show" on earth.
@Pieces_of_a_Melody - I hate any CSI that isn't Las Vegas. I just can't survive an hour without Grissom. Warrick and Greg are just too effn cute to not have around, as well.
All I can say is "YES!"
American journalism is pretty much dead. It's no longer about keeping the populace informed; it's about keeping them entertained and distracted.
I'd watch that.
Michael Jackson would have written this. Had he not died, you know.
WHo knew that the talking heads read from a script?
Thats was amusing.. yet very afformative... Thanks :)... I enjoyed
LOL the local fox news crew had a facebook face-off.. aka popularity contest and it was super funny. The silly guy who goes on location to fun places in the mornings .. won, big shocker!
Hey, did you hear Michael Jackson died?!
I understand where you are coming from. The fake laughs and less then witty comments. The other day I swear some news anchor told a joke?! And the flow in which they tell the news could use some work. Telling me a school bus of orphans drove off of a cliff and then immediately switching to how Po Po the Panda bear likes Brittany Spears music all without taking a breath is a little sickening.
We need to start our own Xanga News.
Where I am right now, at any given time in the day, there are 5 channels DEVOTED to 24/7 media coverage and recoverage of Michael Jackson. I loved Michael Jackson back in his thriller days. Hell, I'd have died to be that gal in the video, but alas, I was probably only 4 years old.
The news is too much of a TV show now... especially CNN. The only stuff I can trust is my local Toronto Global news. Leslie Roberts is on CFRB newstalk 1010 radio too so I double love him.
I love you. The end.
@StewieIsMyHero - I didn't watch last season (because of lack of TV), but I heard Grissom is gone. And Warrick was bumped off last season... it made me very sad. I miss his cute face. lol
"they're paid to look good; I do it for free."
why on earth do you do it for free man?