Friday, 29 May 2009

• The Internets Demand Transparency

  I accepted the challenge of challenges when I hurriedly (read: irresponsibly, rashly, etc) agreed to discuss one of the few topics you'd ever expect from me.  No, no.  I'm not talking about North Korea, why I ought to replace Jimmy Fallon on The Late Show, or why Fox News is funny without trying to be; I mean serious business, like bringing myself down a notch, and displaying some... what's the word... um... that thing you have when you don't talk about yourself all the time... where you put others first by being down-to-earth, the opposite of self-aggrandizing.  You know the word; starts with an "H."  Help me out. 
  
  Hu... gh Grant?
  
  Hu... midity?
  
  Hu... rry up you're taking too long?
  
  Humili-something.  Whatever it is, I have it in spades; although, if truth be told, I am really good at hearts.  Oops, that's not what humble sounds like...
  
  Right, so I have flaws and stuff.  TONS.  I mean, I sometimes don't win Monopoly games in the first hour of playing.  SO?!  And, yeah, I may occasionally drink milk straight from the carton, but ONLY when it's down to the last serving and wouldn't be worth putting into a glass.  What's wrong with that?  And maybe, just maybe, I hurt myself walking down the stairs, in the dark, because I forget how many there are, and I always think there's ONE MORE, but... no.  This is where I'd say "Don't judge me!" but my self-esteem levels are too high to make a big deal of it if you do.  Slam that gavel down all you want; my headphones are on, and Janet Jackson is singing to me. 
  
  But you guys know me.  You do, and deep in your heart of hearts, you know I'm such a regular guy.  I really am.  Mom says I'm special, and I totally agree, but I'm as down-to-earth as the guy next door, except I don't live next to any of you, but you'd like it if I did.  I, like you, brush my teeth first thing in the morning, and again after breakfast, because... well, because!  See? Normal.  I, like you, come home from a long and tiresome day of office shenanigans, change my clothes, eat dinner, read the fine print in my credit card offers, and relax with some black tea and Law & Order on TNT.  Why?  Because, friends, everyone knows that TNT is where drama belongs.  See?  You knew that.  Why black tea?  Well, green tea tastes best with CSI reruns, duh.  I'm preaching to the proverbial e-choir, here.  For these reasons, and scores more that I can't recall, I am human.  Totally human, and not a bot with the highest artificial intelligence since that TRUE ads on MySpace that somehow know I'm black, and therefore show pictures of single, black women everytime I log out.  Very clever.  I can't compete with that level of sophistication.  See?  ANOTHER FLAW.
  
  All of this to say that I'm imperfect.  I make mistakes.  Occasionally, I do things the wrong way, and I say things that wouldn't be grammatically correct on paper.  By now, many people would say something defensive like "SO SUE ME!" or something equally unnecessary, but not me.  I know what you're thinking... and you're right:  someone DID put me up to this... this fault-admitting thing.  You know it's not my style to claim my humanity, and embrace it like warm sheets straight out of the dryer.  However, in the interest of blog versatility, and giving the people what they want, I chose to comply with the rare request that I, for once, display a little bit of humility and admit that I am a flawed man.  Yes, the rumors are true: when I'm having a bad day, thinking "Woe is me," I instantly feel better when I walk past a full-length mirror and say "Whoa, IT'S ME!" 
  
  Heavily, heavily flawed.  That's me. 
  
  TheBigShowAtUD©
  
  
  

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