"
This table reeks of lemon oil." Looking around, I wonder if I actually said that aloud. I hate lemon oil, though. The idea that anyone would use a citrus fruit extract to shine furniture makes me want to curse lemons like the fruit Eve ate. Same thing with cherries. I might have liked cherries had I not been a child whose medicine ALWAYS tasted of cherries. Why can't medicine taste like medicine? Alcohol sure tastes like alcohol. Lemons. It's a wonder I like lemonade, at all. I could really use some right now, too; these people are boring, and my eye is twitching.
I'm only here, because I was invited by classmates, and this sounded better than spending Friday night sitting around with my mind wandering. Yet, here I am, sitting around on a Friday night, with my mind wandering, but at least I'm in the company of strangers who, when they invariably forget my name, will call me "Michael." It never fails. No wonder I don't have more Facebook friends; they're all looking for the wrong person. It's a hard life being a functional extrovert. I'm bored, and even though I'm talking to the occasional faux-conversationalist, here, I'm more engaged with myself. I'm awfully talkative, but not terribly engaging in large group of strangers, you know. It's like the difference between hearing and listening; like a student who studies, but doesn't learn; or a professor who lectures but doesn't teach. I prefer smaller groups, but definitely not
group projects.
For the life of me, I can't imagine why a person would want to be intimately involved with several persons at once. In my view, hell is a place where it's impossible to form real, lasting relationships with people. Only, this can't be hell, because there's a plasma screen showing Sportscenter, and I'm wearing really nice shoes. Too many people dwarf my comfort zone, though. Unfortunately, my comfort zone is like a telephone booth: with enough jockeying, another can fit inside, but with hardly more room than to have our faces separated far enough that kissing appears to be a better activity than talking. Maybe that's why I'm not close to any men I know. Maybe that's why it's my previous girlfriends who know me best, until we stop dating. Then the booth is mine. I smell really good, right now, too. Why is no one talking to me?
I promise, I really like people. Or, maybe I like the idea that someone out there wants to know me really well. I know people really well. They love to discuss themselves, like the world is a panel seeking a mass interview with them, only. That's how I engage people; I let them talk. People like that. Charm makes for a greater defense mechanism than
being defensive, except that engaging people for the sake of not talking about me is a bit draining, for the long-term. Perhaps it's somewhat insincere, too. It's a habit by now. I try not to consider the number of people
trying to know me, but stopping once they decided the wall wasn't worth scaling. If I ever find a woman to marry, I should write her a short how-to manual for dealing with my aloofness. Short, in that it would contain only the words "KEEP TRYING." And "I love you." She'd like that.
I suppose I should stop complaining that I have many acquaintances very few friends. Not that I'd ever want
many friends, anyway, but I
would like to share multiple, mutually-engaging relationships with interesting people who can deal with me being a talkative wallflower; an introvert disguised as a reasonably attractive man with nice shoes above-average social skills. Skills that I'd like to make a part of who I am more than merely a part that I can play when I no longer feel like being alone with myself. I really like myself, though. I rarely get on my own nerves or test my patience. But I think I'm at the end of that phase of my life where I consistently, albeit inadvertently, push people away with my deflective dialogue and smooth aloofness. However, this particular venue won't be the debut of the new me. I'm not ready to share myself with people drinking
this much Red Bull.
It appears that I'm beginning the next phase of my life. Unfortunately, I think I've been avoiding it for a while. I hate thinking that I could slowly lose myself by keeping myself all to myself.
I should leave, shortly. The lemon oil is beginning to overpower my moment of self-discovery.
TheBigShowAtUD©
Comments (147)
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You should find me on facebook! I'm allergic to cherries. My medicine always tasted like bubblegum, except, not. I can't chew bubblegum anymore, or since I was five.
I keep myself all to myself. It's fun, usually. But sometimes boring. I haven't decided which is better yet.
This is random... and yet awesome. I like your thought flow. It reminds me of me, only vastly more entertaining.
"For the life of me, I can't imagine why a person would want to be intimately involved with several persons at once."
I have absolutely no idea =0
i am beginning to think you have some weird obsession with all sorts of products lol
I think you can know many people, but I do think there's a lot to be said about the old saying that you're lucky if you can count your friends on one hand. Exposing myself to others is important though, because it gives me a better perspective on people in general. I like crowds. I find it interesting to have little conversations with people I may never see again. I go out of my way to make each one meaningful. "We may never pass this way again." Why not make it fun and interesting no matter where we land for the moment? Don't keep yourself to yourself. There's only one you and he's needed out there among "Joe and Jane America"
I like being the sober person at a party that remembers all the embarassing shit that happens.
And medicine? That's why I respect NyQuil. It never changed its flavor from "Green Death".
really fascinating piece... i'm like this sometimes. i liked it :)
You and I seem to have very similar friendship patterns. I lucked out for a while and had 2 VERY close friends, but right now it seems that I all I have are acquaintances (and my boyfriend, which I'm convinced was also 99% luck).
That and the next phase thing. I'm there too.
People call me michael too all the effing time. I have no idea why. But they do.
And, Listening is an effective social methodology for me, as well, sir.
Who needs all those real life friends when you have us here at xanga.
:p I keading, I keading. I understand what you mean. Making
new friends is thrilling. I find myself doing the same thing much to
often. Letting people fill all of the talking space, and just asking
questions, sounding interested, but one sided coversations often lead
to nowhere.
Side note: Lemon oil makes furniture pretty! Sheesh.
@another_rebel_without_a_cause - I find myself being that person as well. Is way more interesting than being the person who did the embarrassing shit.
Come join me on the comfy couch, I have Triscuits!
Perhaps you needed to fan your good-smelling-ness around by walking a bit more in your really nice shoes.. Just a thought. I didn't really peg you for a person who let others talk all the time. Not that I pegged you for an egotistical centre of attention craver either.. Maybe just the guy who came out with witty comments all the time.. I tend to let others talk, more so that I can't be assed telling them all about me, and sometimes its fun to make jokes with yourself about them... *cough* I didn't just say that.
ryc: Would you prefer beef, lamb or pork for the spit roast? Swine flu aside, a big pig with the cliche apple in its mouth is quite tempting
at least you have Sportscenter.
this is why I have so few casual acquaintances. If you are my friend, we are on good, close terms, smalltalk-is-unnecessary terms. I can't deal with the casual acquaintance. A good friend shouldn't have to ask, how are you? A good friend should see and/or talk to you so often that they already know.
You know what... I actually really relate to this. I'm very much an introvert... which is very apparent in my current aloneness and being perfectly OK with that. With everyone moved back home at the current moment, in general just not HERE. I have no other company but myself... and it's ok.
I guess I don't really push others away though. I have a lot of friends, and I'm actually pretty open... because... I just feel like thats the way to be. I will totally tell someone I don't even know that well, an embarrassing moment like when my tampon flew out of my hand and rolled into the next stall where someone else was peeing.
See... i just told you that. I'm sure you didn't even care to know. You probably didn't even WANT to know. But that's sort of just how I am. Part of me feels like, if I'm that open to others, they'll be that open with me and it's just a good basis for relationships with SO or friends in general.
"I really like myself, though. I rarely get on my own nerves or test my patience."<--- This, sir, is the best line ever written in a blog. And I do mean ever. I find myself thinking things like this all the time! But then again, I also find myself wondering why I'm just the chatty, talkative wallflower and not the engaging one.
Maybe it's the shoes.
yes, people like it when you let them talk, but you gotta say something back so that they know you're listening.
and how about a picture of these nice shoes you keep talking about?
Being friends with a large group of people at the same time, could be so draining on an individual. Everyone talking, trying to be entertaining can, after awhile, make your teeth fall asleep. For short periods of time it may be okay, but in the long haul, you sort of lose site of yourself, like you're just another face in the crowd. It's like being in a crowded audience watching a boring show, and guess what; there's no intermission!!! If there were a SMALL gathering, and you were allowed interaction, it would be more relaxing. You have selected a few friends who have similar interests, and are interested in you. If you were fortunate to find THE special one, now that's heaven on earth! A successful partnership should add two complete individuals together, not subtract one from the other. Beware of someone who tells you," you complete me". They are supposed to be complete to begin with; not needy all the time. Having a successful relationship is like dancing; stay close enough to be in rhythm, but no so close you're stepping on each other's toes. That way you each have your own space. A great conversationalist is nice, but there's a lot to be said for personal downtime. And if you each have RESPECT for each other, that's bliss. I see too many people in this world who believe, "me first, you never". You need YOU time as well.
There is nothing wrong with being by yourself, and being you're own best friend. After all, you've known yourself all your life; you are with someone who likes you, won't hurt you, or lie to you. (smile) If everyone else abandons you, you've still got you! I hope you find happiness in whatever you aspire to do, it's more precious than gold. Be well my friend-Sandy.
I can't imagine a world where someone would NOT want to be intimately involved with several people at once.
"Keep trying"?
:) Encouraging.
@another_rebel_without_a_cause - me too :D
i love lemon scent. with ya on cherries though.
i wish i was more comfortable talking to people i dont know. i would call myself more of a functional introvert.
Hm. Interesting.
Eh, for me...I like getting to know people. I'm always the one asking them questions about themselves.
And I don't find you aloof. Maybe a little distant, but not aloof at all. :)